Lost

I’m feeling pretty lost in my SCA life lately and I don’t know what to do about it. The past 6 or 8 months have been hard to understand. Maybe there is nothing for it but to avoid eye contact and keep my head down but that’s never been my style. Or, my strength.

I’ve seen people do things they said they would never do and I feel disappointed and somehow, betrayed. I’ve lost a lot of respect for some people over this. Integrity seems to depend on convenience or opportunity.

I’ve seen decisions made that boggle the mind. This in itself is not a horrible thing but when there is no avenue for understanding available, these things stew. I wish I had the tools to treat things like “water off a duck’s back”. I wish my brain worked like that. It does not and it never has, ever. A lot of therapy and an assortment of medications haven’t made a lot of difference when things really boil. There is one pill that helps in the short-term but it makes me numb. It is only a last resort type of thing.

I simply do not understand our award system. I have written in for people and been told, point-blank, “XYZ will never be considered for award ABC”. What? Why? How can I and others see the worth of an individual, be able to document their deeds and actions and yet be summarily dismissed? This is about the time I get told, “It is up to the Crown”. I suppose this is technically true but it REALLY reeks of a cop-out. Sure, it is how things may have happened in the ages we focus on but I would suggest that asking for input from the populace is something that would not have happened “back in the day”. Can you imagine a King or Baron going before their subjects to ask them how they feel about the taxes they pay? And yet, isn’t this exactly what we do by having an award recommendation system? Is it the intention that we treat these things like political campaigns to bolster support for our “candidate”? Gods, I hope not. Recent political campaigns tell me this would be a very bad thing.

I see people undertake tasks or projects in order to gain personal notoriety. I just dont understand this. Every one of us appreciate a pat on the back for a job well done but if the reason you are doing something is FOR the pat on the back, something is wrong. That seems too  self-centred for a group which espouses chivalry, largess and  humility. Then again, I am not a Knight or any other form of Peer. Nor have I been around this thing since the rocks were cooling so, what do I know? I guess I just give more worth to discovery, learning how things were done in the middle ages and sharing those things. Maybe pretty , shiny things are more important and I, once again, just don’t get it.

I see all of things and more. From people using my (freely given) shoulder to cry and lean on, I know I am far from alone. I have been told, “If you don’t like it, win Crown”. This is one of the most condescending things I’ve ever been told in the SCA. The suggestion is that one must either have a wicked sword arm or be friend/partner/spouse of someone who does or shut up. Of course, the other approach is to become an officer on one level or another. Some people do not have the material or organizational skills to do this. What other option is there for them (us)? I suppose they/we/I could start another political campaign.

Maybe there is nothing for it but to avoid eye contact and keep my head down. Great.

I feel pretty lost and disillusioned.

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